How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
