Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
