So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
