been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
