apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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