i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
