I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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