Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
