we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
