After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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