i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
