worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
