I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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