matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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