You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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