that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
