im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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