I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
