Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
