I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
