note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
