remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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