she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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