I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
