totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
