She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
