Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
