I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
