the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I forgot how hot balto sounded
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
