Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
