I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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