Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
i think i just lost a toe
I think people are normalizing furries
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
