how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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