One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
