my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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