1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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