My first STD was from a foam party
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize