That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
