I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
