I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Randomize
