If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
