I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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