when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
