i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
