My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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