Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
