You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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