forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
