My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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