you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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