I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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