I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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