I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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