Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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