Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I fill condoms, not promises.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
