you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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