Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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