I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
